Hell Week - the morning after, Part 2

One week later: Everybody is worn out, sick, allergic, knocked-out-and-down-for-the-count and I feel like Typhoid Mary.

The weather is partly to blame - New Mexico had more rainfall this July & August than any summer in the past 112 years. That's the good news; the bad news is that there are bugs and allergens floating around that nobody has ever experienced before: swollen & red eyes, epic fits of sneezing, billowing clouds of used tissues overflowing waste baskets (and pockets), stiff and sore joints, rashes, dry skin and hives, plagues, pestilence, and all manner of flies and lice.

Within days after the concert half of the bass section and two tenors came down with bronchitis; two or three of the sopranos and altos got head-colds and laryngitis; one alto has major allergies - sneezing, wheezing and general misery; and the conductor has twisted something in her neck and is in constant pain.

For my part - I spent last week after the concerts begging for donations to cover my project budget and in that regard I blame George Bush. I don't see much point in creating a budget that's mostly fantasy. Certainly we did not exceed our budgeted expenditures (think about the parallel of foreign wars and trade deficits, here) - if anything our expenditures were somewhat under-budget. But our income was way under budget. As the Bushies would say, "Our income failed to meet expectations." And we still had not paid the director and the accompanist. What's that got to do with George Bush? (you may ask): It's the attitude that deficit spending and debt accumulation in the name of a worthy cause is a virtue. So, there I was, like some kind of karmic, latter-day Mozart - hat in hand, hitting up everyone I could think of for donations as soon after the concerts as I could - while the "spell of the music" was still on.

Okay, okay. It's not George Bush's fault.

Three months ago when I started blogging this blog, I wrote about having to put myself out there and The Dare" Juls said, "I don't know why it has to be this way for anybody else, but it has to be this way for you because you do not ask for what you want or need, and you dishonor your genius by exercising it on the cheap. There is help to be had IF YOU ASK FOR IT, and that's the not-doing-it-all-by-yourself part. You have not allowed anyone ELSE in on your dirty little secret, which is your music genius. You have to exhibit respect for your music by asking for help in producing it."

Remember that? And did I try to do this all by myself??
Did I just hope that people would open up their checkbooks and send money my way without my having to ask for it?
Should I have done this begging two months ago, instead of after-the-fact? Uh-huh!
Did I take this Dare and prove myself? Umm, NOT.

Instead, I waited. I hoped. I wished. I prayed. I wanted. I did every thing but A-S-K.

Until - in a fit of deep embarrassment and threat to whatever personal integrity I might muster - I did ask. I asked people who I was pretty sure would not say "No." I asked everybody but mother - and several people moved heaven and earth to bail me out. These ARE angels - dear, dear friends - who came to the rescue. Thank God! Thanks to these angels we are covered, our obligations are met and our debts are paid. One donor said, "This is borrowed money - but we believe in you." (Do I believe in my own genius?) Another donor said, "We may have to make some sacrifices - we're on a fixed income." (as he wrote a check from his money market fund) "... but we want to help."

And what of the dare?
It’s still hanging out there - unanswered. And I, the arrogant passive-aggressive genius am pretty much where I was before this began.

Now, dear friends, I will tell you about Hell and other lessons learned the hard way:

Hell is not about being broke or in debt. Hell has nothing to do with failure or disappointment. Hell is not being beholden or being betrayed or being arrogant or being denied or insulted or indebted. Hell is not anything that happens, nor anything you do. Hell is disconnection. Hell is a world without love. Hell is a world without music. Hell is self-denial. Hell is out there, alone and doing it all by yourself and hating yourself and everybody else for doing it alone. Hell is the void – without love, without friends, without God, without hope or resource. And that’s what Hell week is – trying to do it alone, self-abasing and self-abusing in the name of “a worthy cause.” Get it?

And here are the angels who pulled me from the jaws of my self-made hell and helped me connect again - in the music: Julie, Ben, Chuck, Beth, Gary, Connie, Erie, Susan, Viera, David, Freda, Mary Ann, Loren, Lydia, Mark, Maxine, Jim, Gay, Betsy, Johanna, Merri, Charlie, Mimi, Brianne, Sam, Mary, Nan, Ann, Bonnie. And Ariel.

Here is a sound file from the concert. "Come Thou Fount" Listen and enjoy.